Reprogram the thoughts that don’t serve you to ones that do.
Therapy, coaching, gurus, meditation, mindfulness, and more, have been developed because there is great demand. The demand is there because we are not taught to help ourselves and learning how to accurately deal with thoughts is often neglected. Insensitivity in society, also inhibits one from learning to help themselves and others. Ironically, this has left society hypersensitive with the inability to manage them constructively, adding to their frustrations, anxieties, depression, and breakdown of meaning in their lives.
In this article, we will explore a powerful, step-by-step guide to help you emotionally regulate and address thoughts and feelings that don’t serve you in the day-to-day.
This will help you evaluate the problem, address responsibility, and reframe your current thoughts, to thoughts that serve you better.
Contents
Firstly, here’s a little bit of important history.
In the last 150 years, the field of ‘people helping’ and understanding the emotional/ psychological aspects of human existence has come a long way. It’s by no means complete but has become very effective. Let’s look at the three main forms of ‘people helping’ schools of thought that are accepted as the most effective today.
The Cognitive Behavioural school of thought confirms that our thoughts are what govern our feelings, and in turn, our feelings are outplayed in our behaviour.
The Nero-linguistic school would say that it is how we frame the language of what is happening to and around us that influences our thinking, emotions, and behaviours. In turn, the meaning we give things affects our experiences in the world.
The Dialectic Behaviourists (a specialised application from the behaviourist schools) will say that the narrative of the story we live about ourselves, influences our identity inwardly, which will manifest in emotional dysregulation and destructive behaviours.
Lastly, with emerging popularity, there’s the practice of mindfulness. Mindfulness is a state of active and non-judgmental attention to the present moment. It involves intentionally focusing one's awareness on the sensations, thoughts, and emotions that arise in the present moment, without getting caught up in judgment or reactivity. This practice can help with emotional regulation, stress and anxiety management, and overall improvement of mental well-being.
All four schools of thought are equally valid and greatly impact the outcomes in helping people overcome, change, and grow. Each school of thought has specific applications for specified fields of influence.
For example, CBT (cognitive behavioural therapy) focuses on changing negative thoughts and behaviours; NLP (neuro-linguistic programming) explores the relationship between language and behaviour, motivation, and personal growth; and DBT (dialectic-behavioural therapy, a technique in behavioural schools) specifically targets emotional regulation and interpersonal skills. Each approach has its unique applications and techniques, and their suitability may depend on an individual's specific needs and goals.
Now that I have given a limited overview of the major approaches to growth and change in the professional field, there is a lot one can do for themselves without necessarily seeking professional help.
Disclaimer: if you are struggling to even begin the process below. Seeking help is probably your best option and don’t delay!
So, What’s the First Step?
Get a pen and paper and apply this as you read on, to whatever situation/s you are currently facing that seem to be bringing you down and taking a lot of energy to navigate.
Please note that for the best outcome of the journey this article takes you on, don’t read on to the following steps before completing every step on the way. If you want to overview the skill, please feel free to read through it.
1. The Problem (What Happened?)
We need to stop thinking and think!
Detail out the problem as you understand it. Write a 200-word paragraph outlining the problem, including feelings, actions, and thoughts. You know the story so don’t just write it out as if you are telling someone what happened. Go deeper and reflect on it for yourself.
Once you have reflected on the problem again, reduce the 200-word paragraph to one sentence. Summarise the essence of the problem in one sentence. Be specific and cut out the clutter, aiming to keep the sentence to about 10 words.
If you can, this takes some introspection and practice. Now reduce the problem down to one word (if you need to, try to stick to three words). The importance of this is to know what the problem is and why it is a problem for you.
If you can't think of one word, sometimes starting with “I feel…" (e.g., used, taken advantage of, angry, let down, overlooked etc.) or “I think I am…" (e.g., not capable, not good enough, a failure, etc.) is a good place to start.
If you can find the one-word description, remember it, and do the statements below to deepen the progress:
I feel…?
I am...?
2. The Trend (What’s the Pattern?)
It’s important to reflect and find trends. As the adage goes, “If we don’t learn from our past, we are doomed to repeat it.”
Now that you should have been able to highlight the essence of the “problem” and have narrowed down what exactly the problem is, let us reflect.
It’s important to not stay in the problem itself. This is a time of taking awareness of the problem and stepping outside of it. As if you are the fly on the wall watching yourself have the problem, while you are feeling it and dealing with it.
Now that you have removed yourself from it in the first person. Ask yourself: “What are the trends?”
If you can’t think of more than one occasion where the problem, or specifically the thought pattern, doesn’t serve you - apply these questions to the current thought that is present.
Understand in this stage, clarity is king.
The more we become aware of all that we think, feel, and do, the more we can start to exert change. After all, how does one fix something when we don’t know where it is broken? In the same way, how do we change thoughts that don’t help us, if we don’t know what those thoughts are?
As the fly on the wall, ask yourself the following:
By inserting your name (i.e., John, Jane) where applicable, followed by the answer.
· Where else has “your name” faced this problem/thought before?
· How do the thoughts start to become a problem?
· What were some of the similarities between this problem/thought and the other ones?
· What are the common threads of feelings attached when “your name” faced similar incidents?
· What were the ways that they affected “your name” in life?
· What were some of the ways that “your name” went about addressing the problems?
· How do these thoughts impact those around “your name” (i.e., family, friends, loved ones and colleagues)?
· How do these feelings and emotions affect “your name” spiritually?
· What was done to address and rectify the thought problems, if anything?
Now that you have started to understand and see trends, this enables you to start maturely and proactively working to address them. By understanding the event – “the problem” and thoughts and feelings you experienced and attached to them, you can actively start to address them.
3. What Is the Role You Play (What Are Your Responsibilities?)
Now that there is greater clarity on how we are in a presenting problem, how we react, and how it makes us feel, reflect on your role:
· What did you do?
· What didn’t you do?
· What are you responsible for?
· What are you not responbile for?
The question of responsibility and understanding where it starts and ends can lead to a great sense of freedom. Read the article on boundaries.
Oftentimes, those who are good at experiencing their feelings - those who are more on the empathic end of the spectrum, tend to have blurred lines on where their responsibilities begins and ends with regards to themselves.
Similarly, those who are closed to their feelings and those of others - the people more on the narcissistic/socio-pathic end of the spectrum, also don’t know where their responsibility starts or stops regarding others.
To recap, empaths have blurred lines regarding pesonal responsibilities for themselves, and narcissistic typal personalities have blurred lines regarding other people’s responsibilities towards themselves. This is an oversimplistic explanation here, as the topic is way more complex and outside the scope of this article.
Understand what your responsibilities are in the situation and what are not your responsibilities. Understanding that you have been true and diligent in your responsibility allows you to detach from guilt and resentment. If you have highlighted that you have not been true to your responsibilities, then you have the opportunity to go and make them right.
Note: if you are struggling at this point to know where your responsibilities start and end, read the article on boundaries and responsibility. A great book on boundaries may help you, or you can speak to a coach or counsellor on how to set boundaries for yourself.
4. Factors Outside Your Control
Understanding boundaries is important. Understanding responsibilities is important. One way to understand your responsibility is to highlight the factors within your control.
You may not be able to change how people talk to you, or how difficult a task is, or your supplier delays or your supervisor is sick, or that you have a tragedy in the family, or the power cuts out, and the list goes on.
List those things that were out of your control in the situation. Things that you just can’t change.
Once you have got this list, list what thoughts and attitudes you had or let in around those factors. What did not serve you or had a negative impact on your general well-being?
Did they make you feel?
· frustrated,
· angry,
· concerned,
· increased anxiety,
· made you doubt yourself,
· resentful,
· hopeless,
· list as many as you can.
If you find that things outside of your control are causing you to think and feel in ways that do not serve you, rethink if you need to spend energy on feeling or thinking that way?
As you answer this, what do you notice happening inside of you, now that you start realising that the factors outside of your control are not your responsibility?
5. Factors Within Your Control
Now list the factors within your control.
Did you hand in your assignment on time? Did you place the order? Did you keep your temper down? Did you speak kindly and respectfully? Did you deal with integrity?
We can be sure of what our responsibilities are and where our boundaries lie if we do the best we can and make good on all the things that are in our control.
Once we know what is in our control, we can know that we have done the best we could with integrity and can detach from all the negative thoughts and emotions around the activating event.
Understanding what is in our control, helps us know what isn’t. This is the same with thoughts and feelings, that are in our control.
Hint: Thoughts and feelings are always in our control.
6. The Old Influential Ideology
This is where the real change starts to happen.
So far, you have done well in the journey to get clarity on the thoughts that don’t serve you. You have gained a great understanding of what happened and your emotional and thought attachments to it. You understand what trends seem to be around similar events. You have highlighted what your responsibilities are and started to know what things you can control and spend emotional energy on, and what things you cannot control, so should regulate what emotional energy you spend on them.
Having completed the steps to this point, you should be able to start to understand some of the areas of ideas, responsibilities, thoughts, and beliefs.
In your newly found awareness, let us assess.
Take some time to think of those one-word answers you came up with in step one (the I feel, or I think answers). After completing steps 2-5, and now with a greater understanding - how would you explain the one-word answer you gave?
Often the one-word answer gives a good indication of the ideology or belief that we hold about ourselves, that doesn’t serve us. However, after completing the other steps, we can begin to have a better idea of what the belief was, that was not serving us.
Now reflect on that word and your completed two sentences.
1) What would you say your overarching thought or belief was in facing the “problem?”
2) Now that you have evaluated it properly, what is the ideology/ thought/ belief that you need to let go of?
3) How has this belief, or thought pattern influenced you in life?
Difficult questions to tackle, I know. Although I do suspect that you are starting to come to some powerful “A-Ha” moments.
Give this step a good look and then let’s create a new powerful self-identity / thinking pattern.
7. The Opportunity - Possible Options
So now you know what challenges you faced, where the thoughts and beliefs you hold don’t serve you, and what responsibilities you have.
What are the “opportunities” for you?
These opportunities are unique to your situation and your goals and values.
Take time to list them now.
By answering the question in your new understanding, knowing the old way of thinking and beliefs that you once held are not true or don’t serve you, you now have the opportunity to define and create new thoughts and beliefs that will serve you.
And you know what?
With a little practice, you can shape how you experience the world in ways that do serve you, incrementally, from situation to situation, right up to that transformational moment when there has been a major shift to your entire outlook.
This leads to unrecognisable change that is liberating and empowering.
Take some time now to list and dream of who you are and how you would describe the ideal you in problematic circumstances. How would you think and behave?
Is it confidence, clarity of voice, not being a pushover, and being able to be assertive with maximum empathy? Do you want to see that your thoughts are empowering you to be a greater leader, friend, or spouse? Do you want to know that you are good enough; that you are successful, and that you are capable?
Wherever you go, explore where your opportunities are to define your most desired way of thinking and believing, write it down and know that’s who you are.
8. Accept Truth and Create Steps
Accepting truth is mutually understanding the facts regarding situations or problems.
Accepting truth does not mean that what we tell ourselves about ourselves is the truth, or “your truth.” Don’t let that rob you of the real truth - that you were created unique and full of talent and possibility.
So, what are the truths to accept?
Well, if you have done the previous steps to your best ability, you would have already highlighted many truths about the situation and identified what is or isn’t in your control. There are truths to accept as factual and not based on feelings or thoughts.
Another truth is that you are not your feelings and thoughts. They are what you have, and not who you are.
Similarly, the truth is that we have boundaries – what we allow and don’t allow. Our responsibility is to do our best with what we can control and to realize that it isn’t our fault, what we can’t control.
The most important truth is that you can replace the old thoughts, or beliefs that you now have highlighted in your problem, with ones that can serve you.
You know what the facts are now so accept them. Problems that happen to you, are not because you are a problem or have a problem.
Reflection
Take time to write down the truth about who you are, considering your new understanding of the problem.
Write down the new thought or belief that is better aligned with reality or the facts.
Write down 3-5 action steps that you can take next time you feel faced with some thoughts or problems that question who you are.
These action steps need to be practical and measurable things. Not just “I will believe, or stop it, or ignore the people involved,” but real practical steps to take hold of and implement.
For example:
· Re-evaluate,
· Slowing down and asking questions about the problem objectively and not subjectively,
· Applying some of the steps above like responsibilities, and what is in and out of my control.
9. The New Influential Ideology
At this point, you have now identified and taken a good look at the thoughts and beliefs that don’t serve you, which you once had. You have found tools for evaluation and identified action steps to applying the new set of truths about yourself.
In one word, write the new thought process that serves you powerfully.
Think of step one - “the problem” – and replace that word now.
If that is difficult, try starting with:
· “I feel…”
· Or “I think I am….”
Once you have the one word that now describes your being, write a ten-word sentence to expand on what the truth is about the problem and your new perspective.
Now take the sentence and expand it to a 200-word paragraph on how you will handle the problem, now that you have thoughts and beliefs that serve you.
Conclusion
Well done on taking the journey with me and I trust that it has been greatly helpful.
Take this framework and continue to practice it in areas that you feel are difficult to navigate with your thoughts and emotions.
Our journeys to personal growth are powerful. It is our individual responsibility, in any given situation, that matters. You don’t have to share your new resolve or apologise for your newfound confidence. This is not another person’s concern and may often be fuel for an oppressor to challenge or rob you of your strength.
Standing for yourself is standing up for yourself.
Believing you are a person you can stand, and stand for - other people's issues are just that, their issues.
Comments